This is part III of a series that takes Andy Stanley’s sermons from Sunday to every day. If you missed part I, just
click here
to catch up. If you missed part II, click here.
Here is a quick catch up:
February 2009
: I recognize that I have not been living up to the standard that I had been called. I write a sincere plea for God to direct me where I need to be
April 2009
: I start to admit that I have a larger role to play in my discontent than I originally thought. I realize that I cannot blame my way into a better future and start to question exactly what I am doing and who I have become.
Early May 2009: I take a run and have a literal “come-to-Jesus” moment. I realize I have been running for years and decide to stop and surrender.
End of May 2009: I go to an out-of-town wedding with my then boyfriend. I cry violently behind a dumpster and realize it was time for me to take some action.
Early June 2009: I break up with my long time boyfriend
A Journal entry from October 27, 2009:
A blank page is one of the most perplexing objects I can think of. Rows of parchment untouched by the vocabulary of writers or all sorts, from literary geniuses to thirteen year old lovesick girls both thrill and vex me.
A blank page can be like a fresh and exciting start: adventures that are just on the horizon waiting to be had. But a blank page can mean a lack of stability and security. Much like the empty feeling of unemployment; uncertainty in the future in a down economy.
I often wonder when my story began…or for that matter, if it really has. As I survey the mental pages of all my life’s memories, I am dumbfounded at what little I have done for myself, and disgusted for the embarrassing display of my charity for others.
The truth of my story is this.
I am 24 years old without a job, direction, and clear inspiration for what it is that I am meant to do with my life.
I have a family who I would die for. I have friends anyone would be envious of. I have an “estranged” boyfriend (because of the mistakes of my past) and a surrogate family who is sheltering me during my time of uncertainty. I also, apparently, have difficulty not ending sentences with prepositions. I digress.
What I do know is that I am now more aware of how amazing my God is. The idea that an omniscient and all-powerful God and creator of the universe cares about my well-being, sanity, and wants to romance me in a way that I’ve never been before is overwhelming. I want to be a vessel of his love and forgiveness because of what he has done for me.
My blank page began the day that I surrendered to Jesus.
To both my pleasure and dismay, that starts every day; total surrender is a daily choice.
Lord, let my surrender be wholly for you. Do not let my heart be led astray by anything that is not your will for my story.
‘Forever, you are the God of my story. Write every line for your glory.'”
I had surrendered. God had completely shaken my world, just as I had asked him to do that hot summer run at the beginning of May.
After ending my longest relationship, I had jumped head first into another one. I was completely overwhelmed by how much and how quickly I cared for this man named Steven. I didn’t know what was ahead for us, but I certainly hoped that he would play a large role in my life. By the end of August, we were exclusively dating.
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| Our first picture together. |
God had also provided a community of women that, for the first time, were challenging me to study the word, rather than hit the bars.
Bren and I met in college, but our friendship truly blossomed during this time. I believe this is in large part to her watching what she was praying for take root in my life. She was one of the only ones in college who saw me for who I was, not for what I was doing. Her love and friendship was a constant in my life. She and Rebecca were incredibly close and we were all looking to grow in community.
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| Bekah and Bren circa 2006 |
Meanwhile, I met Ann Marie. Her and I were so very similar and I began to meet with her as often as I could. She was my accountability partner, as I needed one to help me grow during what seemed to be the stalled infancy of my faith. So there were four of us. But God wasn’t done yet.
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| Accountability and friendship |
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| Even in pictures, I looked to her for advice 🙂 |
Rebecca heard of two other women who were seeking a small group: Lauren and Ashley. I remember meeting in August for the first time and I was totally ashamed of who I was, but determined to be truthful and allow myself to be vulnerable. God truly blessed my obedience. All of those girls became my solid ground when I felt everything was eroding. It was after one of our sessions that I gained a sister, Ashley. She opened up and we immediately connected.
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| Lauren, Me, Rebecca, and Ashley |
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| Me, Rebecca, Ann-Marie, Ashley, and Bren |
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| More than I could’ve ever wished for 🙂 |
In September, I was fired. I deserved it. At first, I didn’t want to own my role in my termination. But, the only way I moved on from the end of an unhealthy relationship was the same way I was going to get over the damage to my pride for being an out-of-work secretary: I had to own it, re-think it, and release it.
This is where Ashley became a sister. I was out of work; completely broke; and homeless. She offered me a place to live–rent free–unconditionally. I don’t think God could have placed a more perfect friend into my life. Still, unemployment and homelessness plays a number on your pride. It plays a number on your faith. I had to continue to give it all to God.
As I wrote in my journal that October afternoon, surrender was a daily choice. I couldn’t just have a moment; it was every single day. Every. single. day. I woke up every morning realizing that my only job was finding a job. To my shame, I didn’t have a penny to my name. Instead of lamenting my plight, I praised God each morning. I asked him to show me where I should be. Above all else, I prayed that his will played out in my life.
In the deepest valley of my young life, I found the deepest adoration for the God who had been consistently loving me through it all. For the first time, I relied on him for everything: from food and shelter, to keeping me emotionally in tact. I had no prospects for employment, and I was certain my dark days were unattractive to the man who seemed to also show the unending love of Christ through it all.
It wasn’t until a November night that God revealed what I believed he designed me to do.
It was that evening that would change the course of my life, and others lives, forever.
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