Little Bear is almost crawling forward. He has gotten to the point where he is reaching and repositioning himself onto his belly. He gets up on all fours and moves vigorously back and forth shifting his weight. His newest favorite activity is crawling and scooting around in his bed. Yesterday, he knocked the monitor camera sideways. And thus, it was time to drop his crib so he won’t topple out while he is exercising napping.

He is almost there. I am so excited and nervous at the same time. After all, crawling brings a whole set of new worries for this mama to have on her mind, like making sure my little guy doesn’t somehow learn to fly, open the door to the basement stairs, and slide all the way down. Irrational fears are just a part of becoming a mom, I guess.

Somewhere between little Bear intently focused on moving forward, and instead moving backward, I realized that I am right there with him.

I have been at this blogging gig for almost 8 months. I began this project as an outlet; I continued because I enjoyed writing about any and all topics, and hearing from people I hadn’t in years. I love answering my reader’s private questions about motherhood. I cherished connecting with people who have told me I have encouraged them in some way in their faith or daily life. This particular project has become a ministry that I didn’t expect. I love that part of blogging.

What I don’t love about this project is the reality of “making it” as a blogger. In truth, I’m not sure I can dedicate my free time to posting every few hours on my Facebook Fan Page. I’m not sold on the idea of paying to promote my posts on Facebook so that click-farms in Indonesia and Bangladesh can boost my number of Facebook likes. As thankful as I am for my 640ish likes, sometimes, I even feel a little icky about publishing anything about my little guy. So many people feel as if they know him without having met him. I’m not sure I would want that to happen to me, and I definitely want to protect my son.

So here’s the thing. I have scaled back on my blog. I have attempted to target 3-4 posts per week instead of 5-6. I thought this would re-charge my batteries as a writer, and give me more time to focus on my manuscript. And yet, I’m still in an odd place with my writing career.

I am not naive enough to believe that writing is as it once was a hundred or even twenty years ago. I recognize that I have to write on a public forum (and for free) to pay my dues. I am working on a manuscript that I am excited about…yet I know that as soon as I finish it, there is much work to be done in promoting it, putting it in front of publishers’ eyes, and even then, there is no guarantee of those thousands of words, and hundreds of hours to be validated .

And yet, I realize that I am, once again, attempting to “validate” my words…and my day with a paycheck. Instead of celebrating the ministry that I have built with my words, I am wondering how I can make a living off of the words that I will write. I am scooting backwards when all I really want to do is move forward.

And so, it is with humble gratitude for all of my readers…that I admit that I will be re-focusing on what matters so that I don’t fall down the proverbial basement stairway as I learn to crawl forward with this new career (writing and being a mommy). I forget that I used to have days of doubt as a teacher. Not everything falls into place all the time, but it’s a crawlin’ shame when you allow the tough parts of your day overwhelm you; or distract you from what is really important.

Thank you for reading and supporting me. Maybe one day I’ll be a paid professional and you can say, “I knew her when…” 😉